Day 22: Lessons from a Cheesecake

Okay, I’m kinda laughing at myself this morning… a loving laugh.

Last night I made my mom’s famous Easter cheesecake. I have this history of recipes not turning out… for reasons unknown to me. I used to beat myself up about it, but recently got inspired to turn over a new leaf. So truthfully I was excited to give my mom’s cheesecake recipe a whirl. I took my time, measured the ingredients twice and even added the eggs one at a time just like the recipe said. I made sure it was creamy smooth (and very yummy, I might add) and watched my timer so I didn’t overbake. So far so good. I pulled it out of the oven, even got Brad’s opinion on whether it was ’set in the centre’. (Brad is an excellent cook… but said, “You are the baker, not me!”) Okay, so I put the top layer on, back in the oven for a few more minutes. Everything went smoothly! I was very impressed. I did it!

As it cooled, I’m looking at this cake thinking, “That texture in the centre doesn’t look right.” I sample it… yup, it’s just not right. Something is off… and in a heartbeat I am flooded with a million thoughts of every recipe I’ve ever tried that didn’t turn out.

“Why does this happen to me? What can’t I get it right? I should have made a different recipe that no one knows how it is ’supposed’ to taste.”

I’m literally in tears (over a cheesecake…) But I know deep down it’s not about the cheesecake. It’s this part of me that wishes I was good at this, like my sister who can recover any recipe and invents new ones on the fly.

Brad is watching this unfold. “Paula, maybe it was the brand of cottage cheese I bought.”

Recalling his comment this morning makes me smile.

So why am I telling you this? It feels significant… not the cheesecake, but my process. It was a great example of my attachment to outcomes. If I measured the success of the cheesecake by the fun I had making it, it would get a 10. If I measured it by the end cake, well, not so sure it would score a 10. Yet, we don’t get to control the outcome. We can do our part and the rest is up to the baking gods.

This morning I peeked in the fridge at this cheesecake again. Hmmm… interesting… the texture looks more like it should. I pull out a fork and sample. WOW, this is creamy delicious!

I began to laugh. “Oh Paula you are quite a work of art…”

It seems I will learn this lesson over and over again. Everything has a way of working itself out. But no amount of struggling and efforting on my part makes it happen. My job is simply to enjoy the journey. And if I don’t like the end product, there’s plenty to choose from at the Cheesecake Cafe!